I was thinking about….

I was thinking about when I will be whole and healed and not this aching, hurting, bleeding all over the place, crazy person. Does the healed whole version of me even exist? Why am I so wounded all the time?
It’s not like i have had this crazy abusive life or something. I mean, life was never perfect. I have felt much rejection, loneliness, hurt, but I have also experienced such joy, love, acceptance, and peace. I feel though I am healing in so many ways lately. Yet at the same time, I feel so helpless, crazy, wounded.
My Dh and I looked forward to the day he was done with school, and now he is and all we do now is bicker and fight. Not horrible fighting, but still there is this constant tension. We have talked about it. He has this edgy way he talks to me and I don’t like it. It makes me feel like he hates me. His response is that he loves me.
I believe that most of this is just the result of having so many children which take up so much of our time and energy, we don’t have much time and energy left for each other. Night time comes and we both just want to go to sleep. Most nights anyway. We are exhausted.
I think we want a lot of different things for our life, also. I am working on molding my heart to his though. Not sure he is doing the same, but I am working on it and taking it before the Lord. He knows the ins and outs of my Dh’s heart and HE will fix this… I just know He will….

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