So, wow, I just do not know where to begin……

I am 35 years old. My Dh is 34. We have 5 children, been married nearly 13 years.

We are lost…. Seriously. I used to think so differently about life and love and God. When we got married, Jesus WAS my passion. I wanted nothing more then to live my life for Jesus completely totally. I was willing to completely abandon my family, my dreams, my everything to be and do whatever He asked of me.
I was crazy in love with my husband and he was crazy in love with me. Of course, I was severely insecure and demanded way more of his time and affection then probably what was necessary, but at the time I needed to know he was going to love me forever. I was afraid that no one could love me forever.
Our first 5 years of marriage was rough. Not because of our feelings for each other, but more so because we were struggling with infertility and financial stuff. We wanted so sincerely though to follow God in whatever He asked of us. We were going to bible school, and working in our church in many different areas. Two of which were the youth and the music departments. We loved both passionately.
We could see ourselves in the full time ministry, no problem.
Then without getting into it too deeply, there was much wounding from leadership. Many people in the congregation hurt us as well. We were burnt out very quickly. So, Dustin and I decided he would join the Air Force, and we moved away. We essentially ran away.
My husband has not been the same since. We just couldn’t find a good church where we were living. Nothing felt like home. We finally after nearly 6 years, moved back to our home state. We thought everything would be instant. We would just go right back into doing His call and will for our lives. It hasn’t been that way at all.
I still feel like my husband is running. He is trying to go back into the Air Force, and while i support him in everything he does, I wish I knew that was the will of God for our lives. I don’t have that assurance. My Dh refuses to move back to the town we met and married in and my heart still longs to be there. Maybe I am the wrong one. I just wonder if it’s too late…. is it? God? is it?
Will I ever be doing His will for my life? Fulfilling His purpose and plans?

my heart aches…


4 thoughts on “Running…..

  1. Hi Anna…

    I’ve only been to your blog a few times- so I hesitate to be direct… but my heart was compelled to write… that His will for you… is just to know Him. To push aside your worries and fears about having failed God and jump in to knowing Him again. Repenting if you need to- and then move forward in the freedom of knowing that your location doesn’t change God’s dramatic, passionate, relentless love for you. He will do any “course correction” for you, in time, probably through your husband… but in the mean-time (be it days, months, or years)… jump back into the waters where He’s calling you to dive in deep.

    Praying with you.

  2. Thank you, Amy, for coming and responding. You are right… and I am praying and working through it. I am also working on talking to my husband. I was cleaning out my closet yesterday and in my closet is boxes of letters from before we married and shortly after we married that we had written each other. I cried while reading some of them. He was MADLY in love with me. And MADLY in love with Jesus. We talked about it some, and he said he knows he different back then, but that people change. Life happens, he said. I am coming to terms with the fact that what MADLY in love with Jesus looked like back then, may never be what it looks like again in him. I am not sure that makes sense. We have talked about making some changes, not just for us but for our kids.
    And Amy, you are right, I have said that a zillion times, His will is for me to know Him. How do I get so far off track?

    Thanks for sharing your honest assessment… 🙂

  3. Anna,
    I am visiting from Alece’s blog. It’s my first time here…. I’m so glad I came.

    I want to tell you that it’s never too late… I’ve learned alot through the years. I started out living a very religious life… and then 7 years ago God came for me. He invited me into a love relationship. I had known Him all my life. Had walked with him for 22 years… but I didn’t know how deeply I was loved by Him. I didn’t love myself with the love He offered to me. I didn’t receive love, I tried to earn it.

    He has awakened me to truth. Jesus lives in me. I am loved beyond my wildest dreams. I can’t earn it or do all the right things to get that love, to be that person He wants me to be. Love invites me in. I used to look for His will. I don’t do that any more. Now I look to live in love.

    I’ve discovered that Jesus said, there were 2 most important things… “Love the Lord your God…. love your neighbor as you love YOURSELF. As I have decided to believe what God says about me, I’ve found that love. As I’ve found that love I’ve lived in HIs perfect will for me. For what He has always wanted for me is not to fulfill some great place in this story, but to let Him love me. In that I fulfill the great place in the story. He opens doors where He desires me to shed abroad His love as I live as one who is loved.

    I hope this makes sense. If not, visit my blog and read through some of the posts and you will get the gist of what I am finding.

    I’d love to have you visit. I love meeting new people! After Christmas I will begin to write my story of my journey out of religion into grace.

    Merry Christmas!

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