So, wow, I just do not know where to begin……
I am 35 years old. My Dh is 34. We have 5 children, been married nearly 13 years.
We are lost…. Seriously. I used to think so differently about life and love and God. When we got married, Jesus WAS my passion. I wanted nothing more then to live my life for Jesus completely totally. I was willing to completely abandon my family, my dreams, my everything to be and do whatever He asked of me.
I was crazy in love with my husband and he was crazy in love with me. Of course, I was severely insecure and demanded way more of his time and affection then probably what was necessary, but at the time I needed to know he was going to love me forever. I was afraid that no one could love me forever.
Our first 5 years of marriage was rough. Not because of our feelings for each other, but more so because we were struggling with infertility and financial stuff. We wanted so sincerely though to follow God in whatever He asked of us. We were going to bible school, and working in our church in many different areas. Two of which were the youth and the music departments. We loved both passionately.
We could see ourselves in the full time ministry, no problem.
Then without getting into it too deeply, there was much wounding from leadership. Many people in the congregation hurt us as well. We were burnt out very quickly. So, Dustin and I decided he would join the Air Force, and we moved away. We essentially ran away.
My husband has not been the same since. We just couldn’t find a good church where we were living. Nothing felt like home. We finally after nearly 6 years, moved back to our home state. We thought everything would be instant. We would just go right back into doing His call and will for our lives. It hasn’t been that way at all.
I still feel like my husband is running. He is trying to go back into the Air Force, and while i support him in everything he does, I wish I knew that was the will of God for our lives. I don’t have that assurance. My Dh refuses to move back to the town we met and married in and my heart still longs to be there. Maybe I am the wrong one. I just wonder if it’s too late…. is it? God? is it?
Will I ever be doing His will for my life? Fulfilling His purpose and plans?
my heart aches…