I can’t help the sigh, this is bigger then me. Bigger then my imagination can muster. I am trying with all my heart though.
During my Believing God study that I am taking by Beth Moore. She repeatedly says she was trying to get free from a habitual habit, it was a stronghold in her life. God would come to her and say, “Can you picture yourself free from this? Can you picture going one day even free from this?” At first, she couldn’t say yes, and imagine it. It took her a long time to be able to picture that day in her mind. As I have listened to her share her story, my heart has been wooed by God.
He is asking me, “Can you picture being free from addiction to food?”
“Can you just picture with Me you losing weight?” “Can you just picture with Me your freedom?”
And initially, I had to say, “NO!!!!” I would cry. I still cry. It’s so very hard. I have lived with destructive patterns for so long. No exercise. Treating myself all day long with yummy food. Food was my hiding place, God needs to be my hiding place. My heart feels open, exposed, and vulnerable without me drowning it in food. It is very hard to trust God and everyone else around me with my vulnerable heart. God is trustworthy, isn’t He? I know, in my head, that He is because His word says so. I know also, in my head, that allowing Him to hold my heart during this, and following Him as He leads me through this will end up as a very good thing for me. These first steps though are so hard, I have been bouncing all over the place lately when it comes to eating and exercising. I will do really good for several days, then I will just go crazy allowing myself occasional treats. It is me running cause it is so scary to be that vulnerable.
I know why I ran to food now, and facing that has been very hard. God showed me the way men and boys treated me during my puberty years. The attention was abusive, harrassment, and confusingly enough at times it felt good to be harrassed. I have allowed myself to only look at my own sin over the years, feeling guilty for my sexual activity. I haven’t looked at the other view, that I was truly sexually harrassed and abused over and over again. I had no one to tell, I thought it was all my fault. I didn’t know what they were doing wasn’t normal or acceptable. I was alone in this pain. That pain has resurfaced and that is ONE of the reasons it has been hard for me to pursue losing weight by not eating and by exercising. God is good. I know He showed me all this for a reason, and I am truly going to need His healing in this. I must TRUST Him with my heart. I MUST, to get to the other side. I want on the other side.
So, today is another FRESH start for me. I will start fresh every day if I have to. One thing thing I am going to do is make a list of scriptures to turn to instead of food or self pity. I haven’t done that yet, but I am going to start stock piling them. Any suggestions?
Please come along this journey with me.
God is faithful.