For a few weeks now, I have been planning on going to get my mom just before Dustin leaves, so she can be here for a little bit to distract me from him leaving. Instead, she tells me today that she can’t come. This isn’t the first time she has done this. She has done similar things quiet often in fact. I don’t usually let myself get overly excited about her promises, cause she reneges often. This time though, I really needed her to come. I needed her to come love on my children. I needed her to plant flowers with the kids. I needed her to sit on ancestry.com with me and find out our family tree. I needed her to spend time in my garden. Talk to me about her latest book she is reading.
I guess quite simply I needed her to accept me and love me. Yes, that’s what I needed. I needed a mom. I needed her to be Grandma to my kids.
I know this is too much to expect from her, from years of experience. I still hoped. I still let myself get hopeful and I placed unfounded expectations on her. I am angry at myself. I am angry at her. I am feeling like I just want to be done trying to trust anyone with my heart.
So, so done….