Nothing has changed……

I keep trying to change my heart, but it keeps remaining unchanged.

I am exhausted. I feel frustrated. disappointed. sad. angry. ready for change. Why am I the same?

I admit it, I am totally backslidden. I refused to say that up until this point. Why? Because I so desperately wanted to change. I repented all the time. I accepted God’s forgiveness for my inability to change over and over again.

My goal was for one thing, to find closeness with my God again. It’s gone. Maybe the truth is He has cut me from the vine. Could that be? That is how I feel right now. I feel as if all my efforts are for nothing and what am I to do?

I need Him. I want Him. I do not have Him. Where are you, Father? Where do I find You?

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9 thoughts on “Nothing has changed……

  1. Anna,Stop listening to the lies of the devil – God promises never to leave or forsake us. Josh 1:5,Deuteronomy 31:6-8. God loves you!! God loves you just the way you are!!

  2. That’s true Lora…. but there is a scripture where it talks about one being cut from the vine….

    I adore your heart, but I was being real, instead of pretending so that hopefully I can deal with the true heart of the matter. I am tired of pretending….. not that I have ever been good at pretending.

    My relationship with God hasn’t been the same since I had kids and I just cannot figure out how to get it back. I make attempts, but then I fall short… I don’t experience His presence like I used to and I am just not sure how to change this…..

  3. this may not help at all, but my relationship with God hasn’t been the same as before I had a family either. It’s also not the same as it was 5 years ago, or 2 years ago. I also went through a time where I thought I just couldn’t find Him, and perhaps I was backslidden, and He had simply cut me off. What I’ve learned recently is that I am finding Him in different places, different experiences, and nothing like i expect or imagine. I’m finding Him in my relationship with my kids and my hubby. In relationships with others. In peace with myself and not being perfect. He told me the other day (and honestly, I don’t hear Him “speaking” to me often) “the fruit of righteousness is peace, you have peace in all of your relationships, you are in right standing with Me” And finally, that’s good enough for me right now. I don’t experience the amazing presence that I used to…but when I used to, I didn’t take the time for other deep relationships or peace in them. I think I see where He’s leading me, and perhaps others. It’s about relationship, but not just with Him. Make sense?

  4. Actually, that is a very good perspective, Kelly. A lot better then mine. I just feel like I keep trying to do the right things only to continually fall on my face. A huge struggle I have is not only my relationship with God, but Dustin’s, and ultimately the kids. I don’t see them experiencing Him or knowing Him like I wanted them to. I don’t even know where to begin right now because I feel so distant from Him, how can I show them who He is?
    And then my frustration level with myself and life turns into me avoiding them… I don’t even mean to. I am seeing it and trying to fix it. It’s hard to change habits you have created.

  5. What I’ve learned is that my relationship with my kids and husband IS showing them who God is. I love them, care for them, hear them, help them, with the kids discipline them, teach them etc. Those are ALL characteristics of God! I am modeling His love and characteristics in my relationships, and that does show them Him…even if they don’t connect my actions and heart to His name until some later point in life. That time will come. I had parents who were ministers, had all of the revelation, prayer, miracles, etc….and NONE of these relationship qualities I mentioned, with their own kids. All 8 of us ran away from home and walked away from God at some point in time, as a result of the relationship with our parents! I know in my heart that my lifestyle and choices outside of the “church/prayer/Bible” box will have a profound impact on their relationship with God. For myself, I was so caught up in the method of “tell it”, as we were trained, and not enough “show it”. Jesus’ teachings and stories had an impact on the disciples, but I think His friendship, acceptance, acquaintance, and provision for them had a much DEEPER impact. The things “unsaid” that you just can’t put a label on….are very much God’s heart. It’s just foreign to what we’ve always been taught. The only thing that makes us ineffective, is our own self condemnation for “not doing it right”. Like He told me….the fruit of righteousness is peace….righteousness is right standing with Him. Peace in relationships = right standing with Him. It’s impossible to create the fruit of peace on our own. We might create “calm”, but it’s not the same. (Is. 32:17). Honestly, I kind of made a choice that I was going to not allow myself to feel condemned over my Christianity, and just live what was in my heart (focusing on my family, the thing that is overwhelmingly in my heart) for at least a year before I slam the gavel down and declare myself “backslidden” for my life not looking like it used to. It’s been almost 1 year now. I’ve never been happier, had more peace, experienced more joy, been so free of condemnation and chaos, and experienced more fulfillment in life than I am right now. Lasting….not fleeting. I gave it a year. And that was Judith’s counsel to me. Focus on this for a year, no “ministry”. it was the best advice I’ve ever been given in my life. No “striving” to be or do what you think you should be or do…just focus on gluing the core of my family together with love, time, patience and peace. It worked. Eric said last week that he can’t remember the last time we had a fight. Neither can I. That’s more of a miracle right there than any miracle I have ever experienced or known. Because it’s fruit is lasting.

  6. ps…and my relationship with my kids and hubby isn’t perfect. I’m not June Cleaver. I’m still cranky and ornary sometimes. I still do things I shouldn’t, and don’t do things I should. There is so much I could do better, and don’t do as well as others. But giving myself that whole year to just breath and live and be and work on things and grow before “judging” myself has been an amazing gift. Because when I look back over the year, I see the growth, the changes, the positive. I see things to keep working on and growing in…but it’s a lifetime journey, and I’m okay with that. That’s why the Bible says He leads those gently with young. He’s not in a hurry. Not judging all of my action and inaction for an entire year has almost completely shut off the pattern of self condemnation that leads to paralyzation and non-action in my life, the pulling away from relationships and “doing nothing”. That along with some clearly defined boundary lines. My heart is a garden that I hold the key to, and there are some places that only God and my hubby have access too. Knowing that now, the beauty doesn’t get trampled, and I can be whole and breath and live without everyone’s opinions dictating my actions. It’s a very freeing place to be.

  7. It’s been a long day but during the day I thought of this post. I prayed and asked God what I should say. When I finally got on here to check it out I see this beautiful post from Kelly. Thank you so much for sharing. Anna, I just want to add…. On cloudy days we often say the sun isn’t out today. The truth is that even when we can’t see the sun, it’s still there, behind the clouds. Even when we can’t feel God or don’t feel close to him, he is still there. Praying that you feel close to God again.

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