Wow. I have been meaning to blog and I come and start to and then think better of it and don’t post it. So, here I am, blogging finally. 🙂
I have been looking at myself with eyes wide open and seeing who I am. I am not who I want to be, nor who I planned to be. Sometimes our ideas are just that, and the implementation of that gets jumbled up and we forget our original intent. Or at least that happens for me.
It was the fall of 2000, I was laying on my couch in our townhome at Travis AFB, Ca. Crying, no, sobbing uncontrollably because I had just endured yet another ectopic pregnancy, and now a HSG test where they squirt dye up inside of your uterus and fallopian tubes to see if there is any blockage. They didn’t find any and for some reason this time the test was painful. (this was my second HSG) I was thinking, at that time, is this worth it? We had been trying to get pregnant since we married in February of 1997, and every time I did get pregnant I either miscarried or had an ectopic pregnancy. Six times I lost my babies, at that point in the fall of 2000. I had decided at this moment that I was done. The pain and fear were too much to bear. I could adopt, it would be okay.
After the doctors encouragement to keep trying, and a time period where I was not getting pregnant, and then gentle whispers from the Holy Spirit that I was going to have a baby and I needed to prepare the way through prayer and scripture, I finally did succeed in pregnant in March/April of 2001. It was the scariest of times, and yet the happiest of times. After 10 weeks, I started to relax, this was it. Though the warfare I was in, was very intense. I fought hard for this baby. All day long, all night long, every single day of that pregnancy. I wanted to be a mother more then anything else in this life. On December 28th, 2001 at 1:32 in the morning, I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl, Grace Elizabeth. It was the most wonderful thing ever, to give birth. Even though I had crazy pain and thought I was going to die while laboring for her. After she was born, I had a really hard time dealing with how surreal it felt and like any time now someone was going to come take this beautiful baby away from me. It took me three and a half months to call her by her name. Is that weird? I called her “baby” all the time.
Then, contrary to popular doctor belief (they had said I would be lucky to have one baby, if any), I gave birth to two more babies in the next two years. This was a whirlwind and Dustin and I hardly caught our breath. They were all precious to us, but also completely overwhelming. Everything we wanted and longed for so deeply was here and it was chaotic, and exhausting….. not exactly what we hoped for. When we finally came out of our cloud, life had changed, we were pregnant a 4th time, he separated from the Air Force, and we moved back to our home state so he could pursue going to college. I dreamed of homeschooling, and being a loving mother. Instead, I had bouts of anger, frustration, and I was having trouble getting Grace to learn her ABC’s. WE put her in “real” school and tried hard to work with the school for her success in school. It took three years for us to finally realize she had ADHD. Medication helped then it didn’t help…
So, we now had 4 kids and decided to add one more baby to our family, cause I was determined we would have 5 kids! If I could of, I would of had more. Even the chaos wouldn’t deter me. I wanted this happy painted picture of a family, and my efforts though were in vain. The more I added, the more overwhelmed I would feel.
I ached for the happy picture in my mind. Me being the perfect wife and mother, Dustin being the perfect husband and father. IT just wasn’t happening. I grasped at it. Clawed at it. Struggling to put all the pieces together. It just hadn’t worked. What was wrong with me, I wondered.
I tried harder. I failed. Depression consumed me.
Dustin rejoined the Air Force. I went deeper into depression. And resentment. Resentment because he was living all his dreams and I felt constrained, and alone, and left behind. He could go to school 12 hours a day and I was trapped and alone at home. He left for the Air Force, and I was left to care for 5 children by myself for 3 months.
RESENTMENT!!!!! That is all I felt. HE would call from OTS and I would hate on him until the phone call was over. How dare he leave me alone to raise these 5 kids???? When do I get a turn to do whatever I want??? All I wanted was OUT, out of the house, out of being a wife, out of being a mother. I felt abandoned. I felt like he couldn’t possibly truly see me. It was all selfish and consuming.
Since then I have really been working on my heart. Still a huge work in progress.
I applied for college again. I had decided I would start in January of 2011, finally MY turn to live out my dreams! But before and after I put in my application I just felt wrong about it. I was determined though to take back what was rightfully mine, my freedom or something. What was I doing? Trying to get OUT. That is what I was doing.
I had forgotten how precious and how wanted these 5 babies were. I had forgotten the warfare I endured to have just one, let alone 5 of them. I forgot how badly I wanted to be a mother and that “just being a mother” was all I really wanted to be. Then I remembered…… Oh yes, who ached for babies her whole life? Me. Who ached to be a wife all her life? Me. Who prayed hard and long for this? Me. Why am I trying to get out then? Because of resentment. Because I wasn’t really plugged in. Plugged in? You ask. Yes, plugged in. I wasn’t seeing my children clearly. I was seeing them as chores. Responsibility. Life sucking parasites. I am serious, I felt that way. Like they were sucking the life right out of me. Not nice, is it? I love them. Loved them, still love them. I can’t truly imagine life without them. They need me. Sometimes that need is what was pushing me away. Making me want to run away. I was tired. I have a hard time finding a way to recharge me. Not only a way, but time to recharge me. I rarely even get a full nights sleep. I am exhausted. Sometimes I feel like I am running around on empty trying to keep all the pieces together. Still clawing and grasping at that perfection, failing in so many aspects of my life.
The one area that I have decided I cannot any longer fail at is LOVING my children. Creating a loving, safe, solid place for them to come to and get all that nurturing they need. Oh, I suck at it. Sorry for the plain language. I had a rotten example. Sorry to my mom. She did her best, was the mothered herself by a motherless mother. My Mom’s mom spent her time trying to commit suicide regularly, was super depressed and in and out of hospitals. I wonder if she felt like me, life wasn’t what she imagined it would be, so she sought escape. Oh, I don’t want to leave that legacy to my children. Every time a suicidal thought comes to me, I complete that thought with seeing my children’s devastation to me committing suicide. While that may be wrong in some people’s mind, it’s what keeps me from acting on it. I love my children too much to do that much damage to them. I also though believe that being here hating this and wanting out is doing them damage also. So I am changing that.
I am plugging in. I have decided that even though they can be incredibly overwhelming, I am not going to allow it to stop me from experiencing life with them. Watching their light bulbs light up.
Today is my kids last day at a “brick and mortar” school. Monday marks the day of change. We begin doing online school and I am taking charge of my kids education and their lives. In a good way, so I can nurture independent, loving life, graceful, beautiful people.
I am going to know my children, hear their hearts, nurture their god given talents. It’s scary, it’s overwhelming, but it’s also revitalizing and refreshing.
So, now, I am plugging back into my life…… and trying to escape less….. Can’t say I am not wanting to escape at all, cause I fall trap to it when things get too hard, but I am swinging myself back around when I feel it coming on too strong. Reminding myself of the fact that I AM living my DREAM LIFE. 🙂