at the end of myself…..

Yes, this is where I am starting this New Year we are approaching. I am at the end of myself, and at this place, I know I can do nothing without God’s help. Particularly in the area of losing weight and taking charge of my body the way it should be. And yet, I also feel this way in so many areas of my life.
2010, I chose my word as TRUST. And it was a year of trusting God, but not enough. I still tried to do it all myself. I tried to lose weight in my strength. I tried to survive my husband’s absences, knowing I needed to trust, I still turned to me. While I did indeed survive that time, period, I had incredible stress and turned to food and coffee/sugar as my comfort, and my “treats” to feed my need to be loved and supported, etc. Ugh. I completely lost my over 20 pounds weightloss, and I am starting over fresh at the beginning of this year. It’s disappointing, but, I am at the end of me.
The last time I was at the end of me, I had been told I would never conceive a child. Of course, this is different altogether. Yet, similar, cause I laid down me, my will, my desires, and laid it all at the alter. I was done, so completely done. Have you ever been there? I didn’t wnat to try anymore. I had decided, God wants me to go another route I guess. AND THEN GOD, Yes He did, He spoke. Isn’t that how it always starts? He speaks, brings life to a situation that without Him could never be. I was on my knees, digging into the ground, attempting to prepare a place to plant flower. He spoke to my heart, ” Like you prepare the ground to plant flowers, so you need to prepare for THIS baby.” HE told me that it was first the time to prepare my heart and my body for pregnancy, then the baby will come. I am not sure I really believed Him. I felt like Sarah, “Yeah, Ok, God. Whatever.” I had nothing else to turn to. The doctors said I may never have a baby. After 4 miscarriages, and 2 ectopics, it looked hopeless. I endured painful tests and a D&C. When God spoke, it all changed. Not instantly, but it did start to change. A few months later, I found out I was pregnant. The pregnancy was horrible in that I endured warfare in my soul as I never had before. Fear consumed my being, but I spoke, as God did, life to my situation.
And here, I am, at the end of myself again….. I am about to choose a new word for this year. I haven’t decided yet, it can’t be the same, though it probably should be. God will give it to me at just the right moment. For now, I am preparing for what changes will happen this year. 🙂

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One thought on “at the end of myself…..

  1. doesn’t it seem so impossible to tackle anything just out of our own desperation, without direction from God? Desire is such a powerful thing, and it keeps me heading in the right direction, but when a Word from God is added to it….it’s like I realize I’ve been walking on a thread of string and suddenly a sidewalk rises up under my feet! I remember when God spoke to me one day and told me I would lose weight so fast that I would need the next few sizes of clothes already hanging in my closet. I had NO idea how that would happen. Not so sure I believed in “fat melting” miracles. Of course I ran around like a rat in a maze trying to make it happen, working against fat causing meds. I had NEVER considered WLS at that time. When I finally decided on that, I remembered that word, and it was my peace. I think I’m learning to walk slowly on my “threads” in life, and just wait patiently for the sidewalk to rise up to meet me 🙂 And I’m just good with slow lately. Thanks for sharing your heart Anna, it’s good to hear. That word will come for you…He’s faithful.

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