When the dark clouds come………….

I have been dealing with episodes of depression since I was a teenager. I have taken meds, but they were short lived. I have seen a counselor but she was weird and I stopped going.

It isn’t that my life is unhappy. I have a loving husband, and 5 beautiful energetic children. I am living my dream life.

I am a christian, as far as I am concerned the sheer fact that I have Jesus on my side is enough to keep my out of depression. I have no explanation to why I still battle it monthly and sometimes for long periods.

It isn’t the kind of depression where I stay in bed. Honestly, I don’t even have that luxury. People need me, I force myself through some days because I am needed. It isn’t always pretty, but we get through. We all survive.

My depression looks like me staying on the computer for long hours, sometimes all day, staring at the contents of facebook. Looking for something, longing for something that will ease the pain of that moment. I have absolutely insane thoughts that I cannot even describe to you, though they are not of hurting anyone, I can assure you of that. It’s usually paranoia and a feeling of being completely unloved, unlikable.

Lately, I have been fighting it again. My house is messy, and it is overwhelming me. The kids are loud and there has been no breaks. Dustin has been working long hours at work and at home. We are not connecting.

And I have been running from the answer. It’s time to shut off facebook, and look inside myself and towards the heavens. God has the power and the ability to wipe it all away… to bring peace to my mind which has no peace, even in the midst of chaos. Time to trust Him with my pain yet again. Time to clear the cobwebs of self destruction I have weaved. Time to put on my armor and fight the one whom the bible makes clear our war is with.

Ephesians 6:12
New King James Version (NKJV)
12 For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age,[a] against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places.


4 thoughts on “When the dark clouds come………….

  1. I’ll be praying for you friend. Sorry that you are going through a season of blah. Have you ever read Destined to Reign by Joseph Prince? The Truth in that book brought a lot of peace to my soul. Sounds like you are headed on the right path….you will overcome, you will win…you always do….with Jesus on your side, and inside…Love you.

    • I have read about half of it and keep attempting to finish it. The problem is that he has this weird way he writes, and throws in way too many Halelujahs and praise the Lord, and while I try my hardest to put that aside and focus on the content, it is very distracting and I get bored so easily. If I am bored in a book, I can’t force myself to read it, but I promise it is on my night stand and I pick it up on occasion and read a little bit more. I have went through these seasons a lot, it isn’t anything new.

  2. Your blog looks fabulous. Don’t worry about the house. Have you read over at findingjoy? Rachel is doing a great series. You should check it out. http://rachelmariemartin.blogspot.com At any rate, don’t feel badly. You are doing what you can and you are awesome! Tell yourself that! Look in the mirror and see who you truly are by saying “I am His!” ” I am beautiful!” I always liked the saying, “I know I’m somebody, cuz God don’t make no junk.” He doesn’t. He makes all things beautiful in His time. Love you girl.

    • Yes, I did see that and I meant to start reading it! *sigh* You are right…. I need to change that internal dialogue. Thanks for continuing to come and encourage me! 🙂

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